Waking Up in a Dream

What do our dreams while we sleep and our dreams for the future have in common?

The detail I most often recall from my dreams at night is the feeling that I am the same while everything else is different. The overriding awareness is that I've arrived somewhere other than my own reality. The most recognizable emotion in all of my dreams is a curiosity bordering on fear as I wonder, "Where am I? When, and how, will I ever get back home?"

In a similar vein, my dreams for the future are separated from seemingly obtainable desires by the difficulty and mystery surrounding their actualization. Whether I dream of forming a successful band and going on tour, or writing and publishing a book, the most recognizable emotion is a confusion bordering on terror as I wonder, "How can I get to where I want to be from where I am?"

Good news. I found out a way to actualize a dream without having any clue whatsoever how to do so! Rather than focus on a dream for my future, I've decided to chase the sensation of my dreams at night by stepping so far outside of my comfort zone that every waking moment will be surreal to the point of being dreamlike. By moving to Thailand with Sara, not only will I radically change my day to day existence, I'll be facing a number of fears to such an extent that I will be essentially a new person for having done so. Everything will be different, including myself, and just like my most vivid dreams, I will be aware of the existence of an alternate reality, a far away "home", that I have stepped beyond. By facing my fears I will have, in the words of Kierkegaard, outbid actuality.

What excites me most is that I get to share this experience with Sara. The peace and stability of our relationship over the last several years is the reason we're in a position, both financially and emotionally, to take such a leap. I have her to thank for putting in the work to get a teaching job in Thailand, putting in the work to offer me up a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so specific and available that any of the hundreds of excuses my fear would have manufactured would have seemed downright ridiculous. So ridiculous in fact that I never even considered making an excuse. From the moment she first brought up moving to Thailand until the day she was hired in Hang Chat, I overcame my fear by staying in front of it. After awhile, I wasn't even sure I was afraid. This is a credit to Sara, whose love and support I'm so determined to reciprocate, I'm willing to give up the comfort zone I have always considered the corner stone of my Taurean happiness.

With just a few weeks until we fly to Bangkok for Sara's orientation, fear has been replaced with anxiousness. First and foremost, I'm coming to grips with being so far away from my family. I'm somewhat used to being away from my mom, dad, and sister for a month or two at a time, but I've never been so far away that I couldn't see them if I needed to. Even more difficult for me is leaving my cats behind. They are a constant source of happiness and peace in my day to day life, and I'm genuinely confused about how I will relax without having them around to show me how. I have to keep telling myself that they will be happy staying with my mom and dad, and that we have plenty of good times ahead when I safely return.

Other than that, I can honestly say I'm ready to go. I'm ready for a change of scenery, new sights, sounds, and smells. I'm ready for new difficulties and new failures. I'm ready to embrace a new way of life, so far removed from my current concept of reality that every day will feel like waking up in a dream.